Never a lollipop stick when you need one

The alarm clock woke me up this morning. I gets up, goes to the bathroom, then the kitchen to put the kettle on. I'm just on my way back to the bedroom to get dressed when I notice the time: 4.15am. One whole hour earlier than necessary. So I went back bed, and lay awake til 5.15 came around. Couldn't drop back off to sleep, could I. Bloody stoopid bloody alarm clock.

Then, walking to work, I felt my foot slip on something as big as a man's head. Followed by that horrible slippy-slidey feeling everytime I put my foot down. And I was wearing my walking boots. Y'know the type. They've got a real deep, zig-zag tread that just loves to grip things. Man, those soles are like bulldogs. They get their teeth into something and shit, they just don't wanna let go! And this turd was big as a man's head I'm telling ya. As big as a man's head!

Could I find a lollipop stick? Could I hell. What's with kids nowadays. In my day we used to eat ice lollies all year round, but these cosseted little buggers . . . Come Winter and you can drown in discarded crisp packets and Mars wrappers, and you'll go down without a single lolly stick to cling to.