Benefits

I spent nearly 3 hours today at the RNIB offices (Royal National Institute for the Blind), going over what concessions I'm eligible for and what benefits I should be claiming, now and when I am made redundant in two months. I came away with a thick wad of leaflets, a CD-ROM and a headache. Not to mention a heavy heart.

There are different grades of disability allowance depending on how my impairment affects my ability to walk unaided or cook myelf a meal or make a cuppa or choose my own clothes . . . and how much have I got in savings, how much did I earn last year, ad nauseum. Seems I should have been spening it rather than saving it for a rainy day. Oh man, I'm really starting to hate all this shit.

Heather's birthday

Balloons, presents, cake, jelly, ice cream and parties at Wacky Warehouse . . . It must be great being five; a birthday is like a slightly smaller version of Christmas. Waking your parents up at four in the morning to ask if you can open your presents. 'Yippee!' instead of 'Oh God, I'm forty!', which is what I'll be saying this year in a less than cheerful tone.

We sang 'Happy Birthday' to Heather, followed by a round 'For She's aJolly Good Fellow!'. Jill noticed Heather, who was joining in (and why not?), was actually singing 'Cheese and Cauli-good-flower!'

Jill has baked and decorated no less than three big cakes. One for the small party we had this morning for her side of the family. A second cake will go to Wacky Warehouse, where all Heather's friends will be bouncing around and being sick on the padded assault course, and the third cake is for the party we're having for my side of the family this evening. Jill likes baking. Just as well, really.

Ophthalmology Dept.

I had to go and have an eye check today, all part of the process to determine to a second bunch of people that I am indeed as visually-impaired as the first bunch of people said. The trouble was the first bunch failed to fill out or submit the paperwork properly and so I was pretty much standing on square one today.

But hey, we got there in the end. The wheels of bureaucracy (damn, that word is hard to spell) are now oiled and slowly turning. I have to see a guy on Tuesday who will advise me on what benefits I can claim between being made redundant and finding a new job, allowing me to get some qualifications under my belt. Must admit, I'm very impressed at the amount of assistance on tap for someone in my situation. And I'm not talking money handouts here, but people and organisations who I can call upon to give me a hand with every day difficulties. I'm probably too much of a curmudgeon to actually call on any of this help, but even my cynical heart was warmed to hear of their existence. Oh, and I'm getting two pairs of specs -- one for reading, the other for computer work -- and a free magnifying glass too. It's a pretty cool one. It doesn't just magnify writing, it boosts the contrast as well. I'm looking forward to getting that.

Decks cleared

Cousin Simon came round this afternoon, with his little lad Elliot and baby Abigail. She's 11 months old and, well, I got kinda broody. Jill didn't, which is probably just as well, I suppose. But she was lovely though. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Adorable.

Ahem, Well, the list I made here three days ago is pretty much squared away. 'Kasper Clark' has been emailed to the editors (thanks Jon and Chris, for your excellent help and advice). The course for html design is booked. The tax forms have been filled in and posted. I've had a (very)brief look at 'Light Knight Returns'. Not done a critique yet, for critters.org, but that can wait til tomorrow. I tried to enrol on a digital imaging course but the local colleges think April is too far away to make plans and told me to phone at the end of March! So, that's it. I'm off to do item eight.

Bill Who!

Walking through the factory this morning, I saw a familiar shape coming towards me. Or at least, vaguely familiar. Having just come from the darkness outside to a brightly lit factory I was experiencing that mistiness which affects me now. S'like walking in fog until my eyes adjust to the change in light, and that can take 10 minutes or more.
Anyway, a vague figure.
"Morning, Bill!" I said.
"Who?"
Blast, it's Paul, who I've worked with for over twenty years. How embarrassing.
"Did you think I was Bill the labourer or summat?"
Yes. Even though he's taller than you, has got darker hair and just looks nothing like you, I though you were Bill the labourer.
"Of course not." I said, thinking fast. "I meant Bill Gates."
As I was walking away, it occurred to me that this was a tad unlikely. I mean, Bill sodding Gates!
My eyes, it seems, aren't the only defective part of my anatomy.

Things to Make and Do

1. Finish 2nd draft of Kasper Clark (urgent)
2. Do some critiques to get my participation ratio up at critters.org
3. Carry on where I left off with Light Knight Returns, the story I was working on when Kasper Clark so rudely took over my life
4. Take a look at the pdf of Badass Horror before it goes to the publishers
5. Enrol on a local college course for Digital Imaging, while there are still places (urgent)
6. There are a load of forms from the Inland Revenue on the door mat. What do they want?
7. More forms, these from at-home learning centres. I'm signing up for three -- learning html, Dreamweaver and web-publishing
8. Pay more attention to wife and child
9. Go to work while they're still paying me
10. Nine is enough

And now for something completely different

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/has

Thanks to Chris for sending me this one. But beware, it's catchy.

Stripping Kasper

I'm going to bed unable to sleep, my brain refusing to switch off. It's this Reconstruction of Kasper Clark thing. Last night I lay awake 'til well after 1am, despite being awake since 4am the previous day. As soon as the light went out I was seeing a film in my head. Similar to the story I already have, but subtly different. Improved. So I was up at 6.30 this morning and stripping away much of the old story to allow me to lay down these new elements. I'm really pushing myself on this.

Other writing news: a story I sold last year, called No Dogs Allowed, is due to be published next month in an anthology called TWISTED CAT TALES. Edited by Esther Schrader, the cover design is by her husband Jack. Recognise it? If you don't, google 'Munch The Scream'.

Never a lollipop stick when you need one

The alarm clock woke me up this morning. I gets up, goes to the bathroom, then the kitchen to put the kettle on. I'm just on my way back to the bedroom to get dressed when I notice the time: 4.15am. One whole hour earlier than necessary. So I went back bed, and lay awake til 5.15 came around. Couldn't drop back off to sleep, could I. Bloody stoopid bloody alarm clock.

Then, walking to work, I felt my foot slip on something as big as a man's head. Followed by that horrible slippy-slidey feeling everytime I put my foot down. And I was wearing my walking boots. Y'know the type. They've got a real deep, zig-zag tread that just loves to grip things. Man, those soles are like bulldogs. They get their teeth into something and shit, they just don't wanna let go! And this turd was big as a man's head I'm telling ya. As big as a man's head!

Could I find a lollipop stick? Could I hell. What's with kids nowadays. In my day we used to eat ice lollies all year round, but these cosseted little buggers . . . Come Winter and you can drown in discarded crisp packets and Mars wrappers, and you'll go down without a single lolly stick to cling to.

Testing Heather

All day I've been running through different scenarios for my novella Kasper Clarke, testing them in my mind, examining them from different angles to see how they'd fit in. . . . Obsessing, basically.

So here's something lighter:

My four-year-old asked me to test her.

"Okay, count backwards from 20 to zero," I said.

This she did, effortlessly.

"What comes after Q in the alphabet?"

"R!"

"And what comes before L?"

This took a little thought, but she got there in the end. "K!"

"Very good. Um. Oh, I know, who is Luke Skywalker's dad?"

And this child, who I know has never seen a Star Wars film, said "Darth Vadar!"

On seeing my puzzled expression, she grinned and added, "Nice try, Dad."

Good news about Kasper

The novella I finished in December (having started it the previous December!) has been . . . longlisted, I think.

I had an email today from one of the editors of a forthcoming chapbook entitled 'Butcher Shop Quartet'. They like my story, The Reconstruction of Kasper Clark. Indeed, they like it enough to shortlist it, provided I am willing to address some issues they have. If it was a shorter story I'd roll my sleeves up and get stuck in. But this is a 13500 word story here, and they'd like a revised version by the 25th. That's two weeks. More than enough time to revise what is already there, but probably not enough time to dream up a couple more sequences and neatly segue them into the whole, which maybe what is required. I'm going to do my best. I'd dearly love to get into this book, and I'll kick myself if I get dropped for pure laziness.

More on Half-Life 2

If you're not into Half-Life 2 or FPS in general, you may as well skip this.

I tried that new Combine Destiny mod over the weekend but quickly gave up on it. Why, when the game is renowned for it's superb physics and textures, and you've presumably spent 100s of man-hours designing new layouts, would you want to go and cloak the whole thing in shades of deep black. That's what the modders of Combine Destiny did. I've deleted it. Got pissed off with staring at a black screen, looking for the occasionally dimly illuminated pixel. Atmospheric? Pft!

So I went to Fileplanet and Gamespot, and was rather pleased to discover dozens of maps for my favourite waste of time. Completed a few already. Last night it was the scary 'Nightmare House' map. with it's flickering lights and discarded children's toys (why are broken dolls so scary?). I was running down the drive, shotgun in my hands, surrounded by zombies. I weaved in and out of the lumbering fiends, blasted away two planks of the boarding barring a gateway and click! Out of ammo. In desperation I vaulted the remainder of the gate . . . Game complete! Phew. My hands were shaking.

Weekend digest

I've run out of chocolate! There was a mountain after Christmas -- presents from folks that know me well enough to know I'm not diabetic, but not well enough to know what sort of books or music I'd like. Or what size socks I wear, thank God. Can't believe I ate it all so quick. Thought I was stocked 'til at least March.

Any rood up (as we say in these parts when a change of topic is in order), my short story 'Sheep' is now online at www.dredtales.com. Click on the magazine cover and partake of the goodies inside. Dred is still something of a fledgling publication, (this is issue 2) but it looks the part, and there's a good variety on offer -- reviews and a 'strange-but-true' section. I for one would like to see it stick around. The editor has put up a Situations Vacant sign too, for those with ambitions as a reviewer or associate editor . . .

Redundancy

Today I got my redundancy notice. Or rather my statutory notice of redundancy with 12 weeks to serve, which means I won't have to empty my locker and say my farewells until March 31. And that is gonna feel odd, I'm sure, after 22 years. No point moping though. I've installed a Half-Life 2 mod called Combine Destiny in which I can play an alien combine sent to clear a town full of zombies and head crabs. If I want to imagine those shuffling creatures are directors and managers, then I will do. Okay? That is my right! Aargghh!! Boom bang-a-bang, boom, bang-a-bang!

Books I read last year

Okay, listing the books you read is a bit sad, but I do have a valid reason. Y'see, I buy books and put them up to read later. Only, I forget all about them unless I keep a list. At any given moment, this list consists of between 20 and 40 titles. When I read a book, I cross it off the list. And by this process I just happen to have a list of books read. See? Told you there was valid reason. I have even had a stab at grading them. Scores out of 5 stars. Favourite book of 2005? A toss up between 'TWOC' by Graham Joyce and 'Skin Tight' by Carl Hiassen.

Ben Elton ------ Popcorn (***)
Niall Mackenzie & Stuart Barker ------ The Autobiography (*** and a half)
Robert Twigger ------ The Extinction Club (*)
Terry Pratchett ------ Once More With Footnotes (*****)
Donald James ------ Once A Gentleman (*****)
Garry Kilworth ------ The Silver Claw (****)
Chris Twomey ------ The Stranglers: The Men They Love to Hate (**)
Michael Marshall ------ The Lonely Dead (** and a half)
Ben Elton ------ Blast from the Past (***)
Anthology ------ Cold Glass Pain (** and a half)
Robert Harris ------ Pompeii (***)
Anthology ------ Big Night Out (*)
Robert Rankin ------ Knees Up Mother Earth (****)
Antal Parody ------ Eats, Shites and Leaves (**)
Peter Stark ------ Last Breath (*** and a half)
Christopher Priest ------ The Dream Archipelago (*)
Roy Keane & Eamon Dunphy ------ Keane (*****)
Desmond Morris ------ The Nature of Happiness (**)
Mike Gayle ------ His ’n’ Hers (**)
Jasper Carrott ------- A Little Zit on the Side (* and a half)
Michael Kimball ------ Undone (***)
Donald James & Tony Barwick ------ The Hangman’s Crusade (*** and a half)
Carl Hiaasen ------ Basket Case (****)
Graham Joyce ------ TWOC (*****)
Ben Elton ------ High Society (**** and a half)
Sheila Hancock ------ The Two of Us (****)
Jim Butcher ------ Storm Front (***)
Carl Hiaasen ------ Lucky You (**** and a half)
Anthology ------ Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre (**)
James Bibby ------ Shapestone (**)
Arthur C. Clarke ------ Earthlight (*)
William Golding ------ Lord of the Flies (Shite!)
Stuart Barker ------ Life of Evel (****)
Carl Hiaasen ------ Skin Tight (*****)
Michael de Larrabeiti ------ The Borribles (* and a half)
Michael de Larrabeiti ------ The Borribles Go for Broke (***)
Carl Hiaasen ------ Hoot (*****)
Patrick Redmond ------ The Wishing Game (***)
Terry Pratchett ------ Thud! (*****)
Donald James & Tony Barwick ------ The Kremlin Contract (*** and a half)
Sean Egan ------ The Verve: Star Sail (**)
David Hood ------ Fatal Climate (**)
Jasper Fforde ------ The Big Over Easy (*****)
Phil Rickman ------ The Chalice (****)

Resourceful

At work today I had an interview with a woman named Elaine from the Resource Centre. The raison d'etre of this organisation is a noble one: the pottery industy in Stoke-on-trent is dying (cue violins). So the Ceramic & Allied Trade Union went to the government to procure funding to retrain all these skilled pottery workers with no potteries to work in.

After explaining to Elaine about my deteriorating eyesight, and expressing my concerns over travel and learning and adapting to a new environment, she recommended I look at courses available over the Net. Namely summat called 'Learn Direct'. I did point out that as my eyesight will be completely buggered in a few years, any training could be seen as a waste. She told me that I should still retrain, if no other reason than to supply me a a hobby.

No matter what the costs, the Resource Centre will meet them. And if the RNIB (Royal National Institute for the Blind) can recommend any courses for me -- but need paying for -- then once again funds will be made available through the Resource Centre. And there's also expert advice on hand to help with CVs and interview techniques should I ever need them. Can't say fairer than that.

I'm thinking about learning html and maybe digital photography. Neither will result in a career, but hobby-wise, I may get a kick out of them.

Had a stroll around Longton Park this afternoon. The gates are literally at the end of our road, which is handy when one feels the need to commune with grey squirrels and dopey-looking pigeons. Our garden is occasionally visited by foxes, who probably think "Hey, this guy's gate is just at the end of our road . . ."
Heather kicked off cos she didn't want to go, and then once we were there, she kicked off cos she didn't want to come home. This is a four-year-old's prerogative. The pic is of said child strolling around the bandstand. Not that it was a bandstand in her imagination. I think it might have been a ship or a lighthouse or summat.

Fireworks

The tribe stayed until just after 12.00 last night, long enough to see in the New Year. We all had a good time eating, playing Trivial Pursuits, eating, introducing a sceptical big brother to Half-Life 2 and knocking his eyes out, eating . . . and then watching with dropped jaws the firework display on the London Eye. I'm usually unimpressed with such things, but this got me quite patriotic. Maybe we'll do a good job of the 2012 Olympics after all. I mean, it's the fireworks at the opening and closing ceremonies everybody talks about, isn't it? Not the actual sports. We might just carry it off yet.